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| I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or
even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. |
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| Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dngly things here and drink whatever comes out?" |
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| Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O. K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on. "This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air-conditioning." |
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| Linda May fainted and Billy Joe called 911.
The 911 operator said that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. And Billy Joe replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Street." The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy Joe said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?" |
| What do you call a grumpy cow? Moo-dy |
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| The insurance agent was questioning a cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired. "Nope," was the answer. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though." "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the agent. "Nope; I'm pretty sure the dang thang did it a-purpose." |
| You can just about always stand more than you think you can. |
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