| A COWBOY'S RULES FOR HIS GAL If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask me. Don't cut your hair. Ever. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes, I'm not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, shotgun shells and saddle soap. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. Shopping is not sport. Anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. |
| 1. A cowboy never takes unfair advantage. 2. A cowboy never betrays a trust. 3. A cowboy always tells the truth. 4. A cowboy is kind to small children, to old folks and to animals. 5. A cowboy is free from racial and religious prejudice. 6. A cowboy is helpful and when anyone's in trouble he lends a hand. 7. A cowboy is a good worker. 8. A cowboy is clean about his person and in thought, word, and deed. 9. A cowboy respects womanhood, his parents, and the laws of his country. 10. A cowboy is a patriot. |
| Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up" one of them asked the other. "Easy," replied the other. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours." By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. "Now what are we going to do?" asked the first. "Why don't you just take the black one?" said the second. "And I'll take the white one." |
| Four rules of Western Living: 1. Always tell the truth 2. Sing with passion 3. Work with laughter 4. Love with your heart. |
| Cowboy Wisdom: Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without. |
| The Cowboy Code |
| A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM when leaving a lady's presence. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady or treading on her feet. A cowboy never sits while a lady is standing unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway first especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table unless it will help him breathe better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache when a lady is near. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions in the presence of a lady. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both hands, tip it toward his mouth and slurp silently. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady...not even silently. If he does, it might stink and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere to give her a boost because she might kick his teeth out. |
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| The best way to get a cowboy to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. |
| Gene Autry's "Ten Commandments of the Cowboy" |
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| THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TEXAN SAY. . . .
"Honey, we don't need another dog." "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." "We don't keep firearms in the house." "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe." "Wrasslin's fake." "We're vegetarians." "No, I'll pass on the biscuits and gravy." "Spittin is such a nasty habit." "I just couldn't find a thing at the Wal-Mart today." "Trim the fat off that steak." "The tires on that truck are too big." "Those shorts outta be a little longer, darlin'" "Nope, no more for me, I'm drivin'" |
| "Worry is like a rockin' horse. It's something to do that don't get you nowhere" |
| Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
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| This 'n That. . . |